Nichum aveilim is part of the mourning ritual of Jewish culture. This is the time to sympathize with someone for the grief they’re going through as a result of the death of their loved one. Nichum aveilim is the occasion when you show such sympathy and thoughtfulness. As with many social aspects of Jewish culture, you pay your respects in a certain way. This means you have to follow certain norms. For more on such, you can check out aveilim here.
A crucial part of conveying your thoughts during nichum aveilim is shiva. Shiva is the mourning period after the deceased is buried. It lasts seven days. The act of holding a shiva is commonly referred to as “sitting shiva,” a reference to the tradition of the mourners sitting on low stools as they welcome those that come to commiserate with them.
Nichum Aveilim
When an individual dies, their family members “sit shiva” for seven days after the burial. During this time, friends and relatives come to pay their respects. This is what nichum aveilim is all about.
Nichum aveilim means “comforting mourners.” The word “aveilim” means mourners, with the singular being “aveil.” It ties in closely with “aveilut” meaning “mourning.
In Jewish culture, the principal mourners usually consist of first-degree relatives like parents, children, siblings, and a spouse. These are the main aveilim with whom friends, relatives, and other well-wishers come to commiserate during nichum aveilim. The concept of the principal aveilim is key to the fulfillment of nichum aveilim. This is because everyone visiting a house where people are “sitting shiva” has to defer to the principal aveil or aveilim.
Fulfilling Nichum Aveilim
Nichum aveilim is considered a mitzvah (commandment) by some rabbinical authorities. According to such sources, God carried out the first nichum aveilim when he comforted Yitzchak Avinu after the passing of Avraham Avinu, considered to be the great ancestor of the Jewish people. By “visiting” Yitzchak, YHWH Himself performed the first nichum aveilim, providing solace during Yitzchak’s grief.
Fulfilling nichum aveilim means making the family members of the deceased not feel alone. It is a requirement during the seven days of shiva. Each time you visit a house where people are “shitting shiva,” you have to fulfill nichum aveilim.
The typical process of fulfilling nichum aveilim begins when you visit the house of shiva. Usually, there will be a place to wash your hands and dry them just outside the house.
When appropriate, you can hug the principal aveilim upon entering the house.
Whatever you do, always defer to the principal aveil. Always remember that you are there to offer comfort to the principal aveilim. Your presence, by extension, is also said to offer comfort to the soul of the deceased. However, you should not do anything to inconvenience the principal aveilim in any way.
This means that you need to watch what you say. Unsolicited remarks have no place here. Wait for the principal aveil to initiate conversation. Unless the principal aveil starts to speak to you, do not utter a word. Sometimes, you may sit next to the principal aveil for hours without them saying a word. That is okay. The idea is to go with what the principal aveilim finds comfortable. Even when you leave a house of shiva without uttering a word, your very presence already signified to the principal aveilim that you were with them in spirit during such a period of grief.
When the principal aveil chooses to speak to you, that is your cue to engage in conversation. You can share a personal memory of the deceased during such conversations. Decorum and restraint should always be your guide during such interactions.
As you leave the house of shiva, say, “Ha-Makom ye-nachem etchem be-toch she’ar avelay Tziyon vi-Yerushala’yim.” This translates as “May the Lord comfort you together with all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
Fulfilling Nichum Aveilim After Shiva
While the fulfillment of nichum aveilim is required during shiva, you can always do it later if circumstances do not permit it. Always remember that your intention is what counts. For example, a principal aveil will understand if you come to fulfill nichum aveilim months later due to being away. As long as you observe the necessary protocols, the principal aveilim will appreciate your efforts.
At the end of the day, fulfilling nichum aveilim is the duty of every Jewish person. While different Jewish communities may have slight variations regarding different aspects of the mourning phase (aveilut), the general structure of nichum aveilim is the same.
